Surreally Seducted: Damn You Salvador Dalí!

I've moved.

2006-01-13T14:54:00.000-05:00

Decided it was time to blow this popsicle stand.

Back from the edge of time

2006-01-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a really hard time taking criticism. I get really defensive, nervous, and generally act like a cornered animal. This is not a good thing. I also have problems with moderation: if someone tells me I don't do X enough, I tend to start pressing and doing X too often. If I'm doing Y too often, I overcorrect and stop doing Y. I struggle constantly to find that balance. I am a constant work in progress, though it often appears that more paint is being removed than added. I'm very slowly learning my bounds, and learning to stretch myself like a rubberband.

Speaking of stretching myself, I went running for the second time in 4 days last night. The knee seems to be holding up well. In fact, I was more concerned about slipping on the ice than anything else.

I want to get me a little oblivion

2006-01-04T15:31:00.000-05:00

There are few places in Boston that, should I leave, I will miss dearly. Last night I ate at one of those places.

There's a restaurant/bar near where I live called River Gods. Living alone and often eating alone it took me quite a while to get my courage up to actually go in and eat. The first time, Tweedlegirl and I went in and were seated next to the suit of armor and miniature organ. The food, as I've come to learn, was incredible. The drink, also good. The decor was/is just my taste (or lack thereof). For halloween, they hung Barbies dressed in leather from the ceiling. For Christmas, they've put up an incredible display of angels. And there's the witch and stained glass and faces of gods. All in all, it's a cool place. A place where I could see myself becoming a regular.

A note for TS1

2006-01-02T14:11:00.000-05:00

Before she left, TS1 leaned over to me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said something to the effect of how good a kid I was. She's the best. I wish I had something to give her or say to her in return, but all I have for her is to say that she's the best and I want all the good things in the world for her.

Tweedlemom's Rockin' New Year's Eve

2005-12-31T23:05:00.000-05:00

Start of the evening. I'm in my green shirt from 1988 or something. Note the gin and tonic, and holiday beard.

11:08 PM -- So, I'm at home with my allergies and my parents. We're having fun. We're playing gin, drinking gin, having tonic water spray all over the kitchen. and watching football. Michael Strahan is pretty pissed caused he got poked in the eye (tweedlemom read his lips: "Fuck this. Fuck these guys."). So far, they've mentioned Tiki Barber's 95 yard touchdown run 14 times. We'll have some pictures later (at least a picture of me in my mountain man beard). Back to the fun! I've changed into my #6 jersey (also probably circa 1988). That's how clever I am. A #6 for 2006!

11:34 -- TM's RNYE party has fizzled. The game got boring. TD's falling asleep from time to time.

11:37 -- Last decision of 2005. Do we watch M*A*S*H or Dick Clark?

12:05 -- Mariah Carey looks like a giant ho. CNN asks for us to send in our party pictures. TM doesn't think they can handle them. TD brought in some popcorn to try and liven up the party, but it just wasn't happening.

Cast your woes on Jesus

2005-12-31T16:32:00.000-05:00

There's a commercial on in Jacksonville for one of the 250,000 churches (that's a ration of 4 people per church, so they have to try and attract congregants). Anyhow, in the commercial it has a bunch of people walking around burdened by trash bags with words like "Depression" and "Finances" and "Addiction" written on them. Then the pastor or whatever is like, "Accept Jesus and place your burdens on him!" It's really brilliant. When the collection agencies come and ask for my credit card debt, I'll tell them that Jesus accepted my burden, so I really can't be bothered. Awesome.

Also in Jacksonville news, we were watching the local news (which is as awful as other local newscasts), when they reported this story: Man Shot in Head Drives Himself to Hospital, Girlfriend Kills Self. At the end of the stock footage, the reported goes "Hmmmmmm" (almost a laugh) really loudly. Rather unprofessional, but hilarious at the same time.

Goin' crazy

2005-12-28T01:41:00.000-05:00

When I was in elementary school, I was worried that people would try to abduct me walking home from the bus stop. This was only the start of my neuroses. I worried about the fact that the sun would die in 5 billion years (what would happen to all the people, all the people in the graves, all the plant life?!). I was worried, after seeing Tremors, that giant worms would come through the floor and eat me (I woke up the next morning, called for TS1, and had her talk me off the ledge). After reading Jurassic Park, I was sure that dinosaurs lived in my closet.

But now, it's gotten worse. I worry that when a cars headlights disappear behind me, I've caused an accident. I create these wild scenarios in my head that keep me up, upset my stomach, and generally drive me up the wall. In short, I no longer trust my own memory.

Get Right to the Heart of Matters

2005-12-27T22:14:00.000-05:00

My best friend from high school and his girlfriend got engaged last week. Congratulations to the both of them (who've never, I think, read this blog). It was done in a fashion that was, well, rather expected from the two of them (that's not a bad thing). I'll be going out to dinner with the two of them tomorrow night, so I guess it'll be a pretty interesting dinner. I get to see them about once or twice a year (she actually lives nearby but is very busy), and he's at law school, so I'm sure the dinner will be extra special.

It's the most brutal time of the year.

2005-12-26T02:08:00.000-05:00

They (being my sister) say that this time of the year is the hardest for many people. I've decided to try and write a poem.

A Brutal Winter

A three month stretch
of painful agony
a twisting knife
of love lost long ago

The presents ungiven,
unwrapped, uncherished.
Long forgotten ideas that
would have given smiles
now are only simple reminders
of the miles your body has travelled.

You see yourself in the man
on the street corner huddled in his blankets
Begging for change, as though,
As though it would change his world,
give him peace, give him prosperity.
Perhaps it would, but we shudder to believe
That could be me.

Cupids arrow split your heart in two
You went back for more
Now it lies shattered,
broken, a subtle reminder
that Love giveth, and Love taketh away.

Clocks count backwards
We remember what was
as we make oft-empty promises
of what will be.

My faulty memory

2005-12-21T09:53:00.000-05:00

My memory for places is much better than my memory for faces. I can remember the old houses nearly perfectly, even the rooms we rarely ventured into. Shortly before we moved, we remodeled the kitchen and expanded the master bathroom. Now, normally this would require eating out every night, but not in this house. This house had a reserve kitchen. A reserve kitchen complete with stove, oven, and fridge. We moved the old kitchen table adjacent to this reserve kitchen, and ate our meals there. I still have an affinity for cereal out of paper/cardboard bowls. Things outside of the meals were pretty stressful with some long-distance commuting by my father, but for some reason, eating out of paper bowls and paper plates with plastic forks and knives made for a good time. And yet, I am sure this is not how it was. I am sure there was tension. I am sure there were fights. But please, leave me my happy memories. I have forgotten all the ills.

I can give that house a pretty good description, at least pre-remodeling. The other houses as well. I can even remember whole rooms, and how the related to each other. When it comes to faces, however, I can only remember bits and pieces at a time. I remember the cheeks, the eyes, the lips and nose all as separate entities. If I try to remember the whole face and how all these pieces relate, it dissolves away.

i can't change this...

2005-12-15T17:01:00.000-05:00

i had a whole long post that i erased on purpose two days ago. i had written the whole thing, felt utterly displeased with it, and erased it. i lay no blame on you, mr. blogger man.

i look outside, and i think i should be skiing. not here. the snow still covers the ground, leaving giant mounds at the edges of the parking lot. just like tahoe. today was brilliant, and brilliantly frigid. today, for once, lacked the wind that tends to leave my pinkies bloodless and frozen.

my skis, however, are a thousand miles away.

Oedipus meets modern technology.

2005-12-14T12:13:00.000-05:00

It was only a matter of time.

Too funny (duh. came from the weekly world news).

Update: So The Register took the story down. They were hoodwinked! Anyhow, the story goes like this:

Man and women start chatting on the net. They realize they like each other, and he asks for a picture. She sends him a scan of a model from a catalog. Thinking she's hot and really sweet, he sets up a meeting at a beach. They meet after dark. Turning towards him, he realizes she's his mother. A policeman then proceeds to interrupt (coitus interruptus interruptus?) them as they are on the beach past sunset, and already so embarrased, they blab the story. Local media gets a hold of the information, and pretty soon, everyone knows what's what. Says the man, "Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe it." The woman's husband cuts her internet priveleges off for a year.

I have a feeling we may see this story come April 1st.

UPDATE #2: Found it in my google cache:

Frenchman woos own mother on internet
Nasty shock at first meeting
By Lester Haines
Published Wednesday 14th December 2005 16:40 GMT
Get breaking Reg news straight to your desktop - click here to find out how

A love-struck Frenchman wooed the online girl of his dreams for six months - only to discover at their first meeting that he had in fact been chatting up his own mother, Yahoo! reports.

A shaken Anceneaux takes up the story: "Mum called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure, and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was. The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.

"But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don't see in many girls. She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic."

Indeed. When the proto-Romeo asked for a snap of Sweet Juliette, she sent him a "curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's magazine". Anceneaux recalled: "The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me on the beach - and mum said yes. Mum says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be disappointed when I saw her."

Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe it. Anceneaux continued: "I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams. And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.

"But when I got close, she turned around - and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, 'Oh my God! it's Mama!'."

It gets better. A policeman then turned up and "cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark". Mum Nicole confessed: "Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop."

Nicole said: "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it - and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o'clock news. People started pointing and laughing at us on the street - and they haven't stopped laughing since."

And what did dad make of all this? Well, Paul Anceneaux "wasn't too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking friends made him the butt of their jokes", Daniel admitted. "Dad was angry for a while and he banned mum from talking to anybody on the internet ever again," he concluded. ®

the devil's into dreaming

2005-12-09T23:59:00.001-05:00

when you don't drink, there's not much you can do to fuck yourself up to the point of having one of those cathartic nights that doesn't, you know, get you to any conclusion. instead, you sit on the train, or stand in a downpour, relishing your pain as though it is worth something (as though there is an afterlife, where by some magical power, every prick of pain, every night of agony, every little paper cut is repaid with pleasant thoughts and heaven). you stand on the bridge, like jimmy stewart, and wonder whether there's anything that will ever make the pain go away, whether your existence matters. unlike the movies, time is our angel. time does not make all things right, time does not get wings. such is love, the destroyer of men. time and love swing wildly, like drunk mean, using you as their fists. you go from being fine to being totally, utterly not fine in a matter of moments. you bury yourself in anything you can find, only to find the support of time and love and your own faith given way to the pain of mortality, loneliness and doubt. and yet you struggle on. why? time and reason, at once so different and yet working in concert with each other. the doubt of heaven, the realization that this pain shall pass, that the spring of your life, the summer and the fall, all remain. put simply, there is often no catharsis. time does not heal all wounds. there are losses in this life that we simply cannot comprehend. you are human. misery is acceptable. there is a certain loss, a certain numbness that will never be overcome. but at the same time, it becomes necessary to believe that better days lie ahead, that this is not the last indignity, the last pain, that you will have to endure.

signed,

sincerely me.

The Walk to Dinner

2005-12-01T22:42:00.000-05:00

The chill in the winter air nips at me as I walk past the new park that has been there for years. I've only been here once, but I was so consumed in myself and my pain that I never noticed it. "Open from dawn until dusk." The rock in the middle illuminated by some light somewhere in some unnatural reflection. "No loud music." Houses with yards smile back on me, mocking the dirt and weeds left behind.

Through myself and back again

2005-11-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

My buddy recently parted ways with his girlfriend. On a road trip this weekend, he asked his friends what their song for the past year would be.

Recapping the past year: I finally got a job (only half a year after graduation!). Thereafter, I proceeded to put 20K miles on my car, almost half of them visiting Tweedlegirl. Continued dating Tweedlegirl. Went to the Super Bowl. Realized that SI Swimsuit models will, in fact, make your jaw drop and drool come out the side of your mouth (ask TS1, she was the one who told me to close my mouth). Passed out in ankle deep water. Almost broke my nose.

So what's my song? I mean, so many good things have happened to me. Ashes of American Flags by Wilco. I think 90% of the drives I took to see Tweedlegirl, I listened to this song. Something about it just sticks with me.

If my song had to reflect how I felt about the year... probably Recently by Dave Matthews Band. It actually fits pretty well.

Asking if you love me, I love the way you make it sound

2005-11-11T09:03:00.000-05:00

It's been a crazy week, work wise. That's my excuse.

Some random thoughts:
The current GOP is the Shaggy of American politics. Caught me leaking CIA names? Wasn't me. Caught me laundering corporate money? Wasn't me. Caught me insider trading? Wasn't me. Fitzy came in and he caught me red handed, talking with a reporter. Picture this we were leaking information, trying to start a war. Oh why oh why did we give Fitz authority. All the time he was investigating he never took his eyes off Rove.

I'm seeing the Tweedlegirl for the first time in a month tonight. We're not broken up. Not at all. More that our schedules were really out of sync. Hopefully, it will be the type of relaxing weekend we both need. Homecoming is this weekend, so maybe we'll have a little to drink.

The last time I went drinking, I ended up face first on a slate tile floor. I will now have to stick to white collar crime, as I have a rather distinguishing mark on my nose (a half moon scar). Nothing was broken though.

I almost finished the Thursday NYT crossword puzzle. Almost, but not quite.

Went home last weekend. Spent some time with the parents, and the friend who was the cause of my white collar career (see above). My friend loves my mom. I love my mom. Everyone loves my mom. She kicks ass. My dad's pretty cool too. Happy birthday Dad! In the airport going home, I mentioned to said friend said something was really close. I said "What is this? Horseshoes and hand grenades?" At that point, I smacked my forehead, and was sure I'd be taken aside for questioning, Gaylord Focker style. But it didn't happen.

I'm glad that Bitch and Ogged got back together. It's all cute and stuff.

If you're sleeping are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?

Triple Toe Loop

2005-11-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

Oksana Bauil is on Celebrity Poker. She's all laughing and stuff. Am I the only one worried she might have fallen off the wagon, and might do something really crazy?

The tree is ugly and wants to die...

2005-10-27T21:44:00.000-04:00

Technology Warning... for my regular readers, you won't enjoy this

Google Base and Craigslist
I read an article today saying that Google's new Google Base project will easily crush Craigslist, because Craigslist only charges for select job postings and runs the rest of the site at a loss. Sure, that's true, but it also leaves out the intangibles. Anything google does is bound to be ad supported. It's ingenious really. Without doing much work, they can increase their ad revenues. Plus, for a lot of people who don't know about Craigslist, Base will be really easy to find. But for those that do know Craigslist, base won't provide anything that CL can't. And it won't have the Best of Craigslist, which is the reason why people come there in the first place.

Microsoft
Microsoft is coming out with their first new releases on their major development platforms (Windows, SQL Server, and Visual Studio). That's a really long time between releases. So what? Well, for one that gives competitors a long time to catch up or pull away from MS. So what can MS do? Well, for one thing, they'd need to drop prices on their software. What? Yes. If it costs a company $2M to upgrade their desktops to the latest and greatest Windows, they won't do it ever 5 years, or even every 3. What about development? I'd have 2 release teams working at the same time. For 2008-2009, I'd have an upgrade to Vista ready (that does something meaningful). For 2010-2011, I'd have a Vista style rewrite ready. That is, of course, as long as operating systems remain a lucrative business.

A skewed perspective from the side of the interstate.

2005-10-25T01:13:00.000-04:00

This is fiction.

When I was 7, my father died. Shortly before this event, he told me to take pride in, and make something of, myself. For a 7 year old, these words were difficult to understand. I began to dress as my dad did (a suit and tie everyday), but, where my dad was considered smart and savvy by most, I was his idiot offspring. The taking pride of myself took care of itself, but making something of myself, well, that was going to take some work...

It's 10:30 on a Sunday, and I'm standing here in the middle of nowhere polishing this counter for no one. I've tucked my black tie (one of seven) into the crease where my white shirt (one of seven) and black pants (one pair of seven) meet. I've already taken three vicodins today. I slipped one of them in while the area manager wasn't looking, and for the past three hours he's been off fucking Suzy a few miles up the road. I never understood my addictions until I became addicted in the physical sense. The pain of smiling, being nice to all the spoiled people who come traipsing through here on their way to the big city, standing on my feet for hours... god the smiling was the hardest part. It wasn't that I loathed them, though I did; it was that I envied them and their families, the smile that wasn't forced, the ability to decide one day to go the city. I could have killed for that or because of that. I'd had a few girlfriends, but eventually they all told me to decide between making something of us and making something of myself. I couldn't trust them as I had trusted my father, and even he had left.

Now the road weary travelers that came in, I could identify with them. Their greasy hair, drowsy eyes, the way they ran to the bathroom and then often ran back out to the car. There were people who I could understand. Come sun, rain, snow, or moon, these people were hustling from one place to another. These were the people with one thing in mind: to make something of themselves.

I had scrubbed the counters clean when a little kid came up and asked for an ice cream cone. The little shit. Sneaking in like that, wearing a Yankees hat to boot. I had ten minutes left before close, and was hoping to get everything done a little early. Now I'd have to rescrub the counter (for the ninetieth time today). His father, a fat man who would give Parcells (in his Dallas era) a run for his money in terms of weight, waddled over, asked for a large cone, and paid. My smile was plastered on. "Tough day?" For you sir, no. This day is like the last 520. It is not tough. It is an addiction, aided and fueled by other addictions. And someday, sir, I will make something of myself, and you shall know my name and remember me as the man who served you ice cream. And maybe on that day, I'll finally find peace with my demons.

Interesting

2005-10-24T23:54:00.000-04:00

Tonight on the Colbert Report during the "Bring Him Back or Leave Him Dead" sketch, you can hear someone coaching the crowd about what to say for Dave Thomas. At first I thought it was an echo or some weird looping from the recording earlier in the day, but you can hear the person say "mmmmOk..." pretty clearly, and then less than a minute later, on cue, the crowd says "mmmOk...".

Just thought that was useless and interesting only to me, which is what I here at the Surreally Seducted site am going for.

Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...

2005-10-24T23:28:00.000-04:00

Last night, I lay awake in bed for quite along time. I've been turning my alarm clock away from me so that I can't see it when I wake up in the morning (but that does no good anymore). But I couldn't see it. I just lay there, thinking about how many minutes had gone past. I wasn't worried about getting enough sleep. At some point I may have fallen asleep before 5. What I do know is that at 5 or so, I finally looked at the clock. 2 hours to go.

In college, I prided myself on working on little or no sleep. That's part of the problem with having to commute 35 minutes in the morning. You have to be awake, especially in Boston. That wouldn't get much better anywhere else (except perhaps if I worked in the city), unless I lived near where I worked (near enough to commute through under my own power). Blah... more later.

The results are in...

2005-10-17T23:51:00.000-04:00

Went to the doc today for all my ailments. I'm healthy. Got some antibiotics for my nose. Had an EKG. Seems to have come back ok.

So all in all, not a bad doc experience.

Edumacation, Or: What we learned at Petco last week

2005-10-16T00:23:00.000-04:00

Tweedlegirl and I went to Petco last week, just to look around. Here is what we learned:

1. Birds are cheaper than you think.
2. Petco needs to learn how to keep their cheaper fish (the Betas?) alive.
3. Fish are more expensive than you think.
4. Albino ferrets: You'd think they're cute, but their red eyes make them kind of freaky looking.
5. Ferrets love to spoon. They have spooning parties. They also sleep across one another.
6. I don't know that I'd buy a cat from Petco.

AND PERHAPS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU CAN LEARN AT PETCO
7. Male rats have giant testicles. I mean disproportionately giant. On a human, these would hang down around the knees. The testicles get dragged behind the rats everywhere they go, even the food bowl. That's just nasty.

Scars and Stiches Always Fade

2005-10-11T22:44:00.000-04:00

Scars: I stepped through the top of a tin can as a child. It left a five inch scar on the back of my calf. I tripped over my dad's leg and fell into a coffee table. It left a small scar on my forehead. I scarred my arm canoeing, but that scar has long since faded. And now, I will probably get two more scars, courtesy of my own stupidity.

Stitches: I think part of the reason I don't like going to doctors is because I don't want to hear that there is something wrong with me, especially when it is my fault. I hate feeling as though I've done something wrong, that I'm guilty of even the slightest thing. Especially when the guilt-finding party is in a position of authority (like a doctor). That would explain why I didn't go to a doctor when I fainted, and why I didn't go to the doctor when I broke my face.

Shiver

2005-10-10T15:24:00.000-04:00

I will remember in the future that using your face to cushion a fall is not recommended. I shudder to think of the impact even now, but I think that's because the injuries should be much worse than they actually are. A large cut on my nose (in a semi-circle?), a straight cut above my lip, and a fat lip. And my chin is sore. There was a lot of blood, from both nostrils, my nose and my mouth, but never any issues breathing. Eating and drinking are still a problem because my lip feels so weird, but other than that, the greatest annoyance is that the rather large bandaid across my nose encroaches just enough into my line of sight that it throws my focus off the slightest bit. And I can't really remove it, as I don't know that my nose is business casual enough for the office. Maybe I'll go look at it in the mirror and decide. But special props to the awesome tweedlegirl, for taking care of me and my nose.

After all, the nose knows.

UPDATE: I'm now thinking of calling my soon-to-be-primary-care physician tomorrow, and seeing if he can recommend someone near work to look at it. Why? Because my nose is still sore, and even though there doesn't appear to be a deviated septum or anything, it has been three days and it still hurts.

Quack quack quack

2005-10-05T14:53:00.000-04:00

Watching the snow fall under the lights
We were standing at the window
Our noses pressed flat
Leaving puddles of breaths on the pane
You wrote I love you
I drew a duck and quacked
You laughed and said I was crazy
Maybe I am
I just felt like a kid again
Finally five years old

well, I'm not sure its ok to just sit there and dream all day long

2005-10-03T12:46:00.000-04:00

I can't see a window from where I sit. I know it's sunny outside, but from what I could see from here, it could just as easily be raining really hard.

I thought I was just tired. I thought, hey maybe if I get some sleep I'll be ok. After all, we were moving today, and surely I'd be invigorated for the new digs. I wasn't. I get to the office and I'm even farther away from everyone than I used to be. Which wouldn't be so bad if I had work. But I don't really have all that much to do, and now it's harder for people to see that I'm here and able to do things for them. So the move has been rather disappointing as well. To top it off, I'm back here in Boston. A city with which I feel no connection. In a state that, despite the good job that it does in treating everyone well, leaves me expecting the worst for myself. In short, I feel very uncomfortable here. I feel anxious.

I thought that when I got tired and pensive that I got depressed. Now I'm wondering if it's the other way around.

Just like you said it would be

2005-09-29T21:01:00.000-04:00

Tonight I realized how little I know or understand the "market." Tweedlebrother is a lot smarter than I ever really gave him credit for. So tweedlebrother, I salute you. But I still think I'm right about schools.

Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.

2005-09-28T16:55:00.000-04:00

The Catholic Church is contemplating banning celibate gays. Their reasoning? Since most of the molestation cases were man-on-boy, homosexuals are the problem (actually, gays are the problem. non-celibate gays in fact). The Church says 80% of molestations involving Priests were man-on-boy. By this reasoning, then, man-on-girl molestation by priests is ok.

This reminds me of a myth/fact about anti-bacterial soap. It not only helps get rid of the bad germs on your hands, it gets rid of the good germs too. Which is all-well-and-good, until you remember that good bacteria are good because they help you, and killing them is not usually considered a good thing to do.

Much like soap, the Catholic Church is throwing the baby Jesus out with the holy bathwater. Most celibate gays are not molesters, and many hetero celibates are not molesters either.

It's those priests who break their vow of celibacy, those priests who like to imagine little boys and little girls, and those priests who are sexually immature that are the problem. Is there a way to test for it? I really don't know. I was going to say that child-molesting priests are probably akin to idiot Presidents and looters: when they are in a normal situation they are repulsed by the thought of the actions they will commit, but when in a position of power and dominance, or exigent situations, they commit their actions without even a backwards glance or a hint of [gasp] Catholic guilt. But then I realized that priests probably understand that what they are doing is wrong, that idiots do not have the capability to understand it, and that looters are often doing so to save themselves. Of these, the priests are the most heinous of criminals. Futhermore, not all child-molesters are priests, so therefore the hypothesis that it takes a position of power for the priests to act upon their thoughts is untested, and, indeed, it is quite possible that the priests, had they not ever been ordained, would still commit their heinous crimes. Like many things, there is no way for us to test anyone's predisposition to a crime. This leaves the Church in an understable bind, but perhaps it is time for them to admit that there is a problem and look for ways to solve it without restricting a mostly harmless group of people.

When I think of heaven

2005-09-26T22:23:00.000-04:00

Snow flicked up over the tips of our skis. The three of us had decided to take one last trip around the mountain as the sun began to dip into the lake. Powder days like these were few and far between, especially for the three of us coming from the frozen peaks of the northeast. We were unfamiliar with the mountain, our usually reliable "guide" having taken the afternoon off to go shopping with her friend. Years later, I would be able to find my way into nooks and crannies that are the habitats of the locals, but at this time, our first time, we missed the easy turn that would drop us onto the front side of the mountain and take us directly to the parking lot. Instead, we were taken immediately into the waist deep powder. None of us had powder skis. Joey had his snowboard, but it wasn't at all useful on the flats. Mike, weighing less than the snow itself, was able to pole himself along, at least most of the way. Joey and I, however, took turns making footprints for each other. The pure driven snow was becoming the hellscape that it must have been for Robert Scott. Well, not so much. Despite the snow filling our boots and the blowing snow, we knew where the bottom lift station was (and dammit there's ski patrol and we're inbounds, right?), so we kept on hiking that way. We caught the last lift, up to the top heading across the cornices instead of over them. We followed signs back to the front, taking a slightly more technical route in the dying light of the afternoon.

I'm getting nostalgic for winter.

I need an adult...

2005-09-19T22:31:00.000-04:00

We used to look across from the Palisades. We'd pull off the highway to go to the bathroom, and I'd look out over the cliffs and up at the city lights. So big and daunting and beautiful.

I got lost one time and found a shortcut coming back from the city. The Yankees were on the radio and lightning was lighting up the dusk. Maybe the Yankees were playing the Red Sox, but I really cannot remember. I had spent the day in the city with my sister up on a roof with some friends of her friend. There hadn't been any clouds, and I remember seeing a blimp heading to the Bronx. I was uncomfortable. I always am. Heights and an unforgiving fear of familiar strangers weren't a good combination. Instead of reaching out and making new friends, I sat in my chair and talked to the two people I knew there. It's a common problem: I rationalize that I will probably not see these friends of friends of friends again, so it's not really worth making friends. So I pull my turtle manuever, and like a kid at Disney World, I make sure I keep my hands and feet inside my shell.

Driving back across the Hudson from the Palisades Parkway, I remember the lights of the tunnel leading on to the bridge. It is a lasting impression.

Andy you're a star

2005-09-19T20:09:00.000-04:00

One of the things that I don't like about celebrity fund raisers/telethons is that celebrities just sign on to help out. Which is great, but wouldn't it be more meaningful to have victims on asking for help? I'm not saying asking Kanye West style. I mean, saying this is me, this is what I lost, please help. Much more meaningful than the Rolling Stones singing a song about love.

It's a silly game for rich young boys to play

2005-09-14T20:50:00.000-04:00

So I was reading this CIA article today, and musing to myself about espionage, war, and national governments. I've posted before, or at least I hope I have, that ideologies are a dangerous things. Anyhow, while reading this, it shocked me how much the whole thing is treated as a game, as though human lives are points to be won or lost. I think that as you go up the ladder of beauracracy, people take the game less seriously. The same can be said for anything at the government level.

Same difference

2005-09-08T12:28:00.000-04:00

From a psychological level, the country seems a lot less shocked and outraged over the deaths from Katrina. The markets remained, Letterman and Stewart were on the next week (Letterman may have been on last week but I wasn't watching), and life, for most people, remained normal. The scale of the two tragedies, however, would lead one to believe that there would be more national pain over New Orleans than the destruction of the World Trade Centers. I can think of a few reasons why 9/11 cut so deep psychologically (the fact that the deaths were nearly instantaneous, the implied threat to the nation, the fact that it was unprecedented in method), but the fact of the matter is that the economic and personal impact of Katrina will probably be felt much longer than 9/11. A city has been nearly wiped off the map; the deaths, one week later, remain unestimated (thousands); the whole economy has been affected (gas prices). This is not to say that one disaster is less tragic than the other. In fact, I understand why the shock and horror may be less. I just find it interesting.

Chernobyl not as deadly as feared?

2005-09-06T14:35:00.000-04:00

New news on Chernobyl today.

Cornrows

2005-09-05T23:49:00.000-04:00

The sun sets, but that doesn't alter the landscape all that much. Row after row of corn has yielded to broken down houses with broken down cars in their broken down lawns. The weeds, however, grow as tall as the corn, and in the dying light of this day, like every other day, the tall weeds could, with a little leap of the imagination (for those without faith, a leap of imagination is all we have), be a stalk of corn. Angry headlights flicker in the distance. Lone figures walk along the side of the road, risking their lives as cars and trucks rumble by. Beside me, A_______ stirs. She's exhausted, as she has been for weeks, but there's been little either of us could do. We're both nocturnal (like vampires, only without the whole blood sucking, fang-toothed, already dead traits), and being up during the day was incredibly draining for both of us. She asks me where we are. I have no clue, only that we're on the right road. Or that we were when she fell asleep. To be honest, we might have been driving the wrong way for the past hour. It's possible, but the landscape hasn't changed all that much.

Give yourself

2005-09-01T22:22:00.000-04:00

My sister reminds us that things happen every day in every city that are heart-breaking.

Tulane

2005-09-01T22:20:00.000-04:00

Tulane has an interesting, though heartbreaking problem. What does Tulane do now? I see three primary options:

1. They close for the fall semester, and open after New Years. They graduate the class of 2006 in 2006, and so on. Now, there is the certain problem pertaining to classrooom size, as incoming classes in following years come in (for instance, imagine an Econ 101 class. It's heavily enrolled in a normal year. If they teach it in the spring, what will those students who start next fall take? They could teach it the next semester as well, it would just take some logistics for a little while).

2. They close for the academic year. Next year's incoming class is twice the size of a normal class (assuming they admit students). I don't know if this causes problems with university housing (I don't know how it is done at Tulane).Again, some courses will be very heavily enrolled (there will be two freshman classes, one sophomore class, one junior class and one senior class). Again, a logistical nightmare.

Scenario 3. Tulane does not accept students this year and stays closed for the entire year. This makes things very complicated for students (What do they do for the year? Can the economy accomodate them and provide jobs for them on a one-year basis?).

I suppose there are other options as well, although I think these are the three most probable. Tulane does have an emergency website up here.

More on the governmental failure

2005-09-01T12:51:00.000-04:00

For the federal government, it's one thing to be caught completely off-guard by a terrorist attack. It's another thing to know a storm is coming and not have anything in place to help those people who cannot get out of it's way is a critical failure and one for which those in charge should be held responsible.

Of note, it's not enough to say "We've given FEMA some money to deal with this" [as I believe the President did] the Friday or Saturday before landfall. Perhaps it would have been smarter to say, "We've started pre-positioning supplies, hospitals, beds, and personnel in case the worst-case scenarios come to pass." But then, this is a government that has never planned for the worst-case scenario, and perhaps has never planned for anything.

It is now Thursday. Little, if any, help has arrived from the Federal Government. How they were caught off guard by a hurricane is beyond me, but it's not an election year so helping America's most downtrodden is not in the President's best interest I suppose.

They always have such pretty names...

2005-09-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

What has happened in New Orleans will have a ripple effect on society much greater than that of September 11th. Regardless of the death toll, which may well be higher, things in the southeastern United States, and for that matter, the whole country, will be radically affected for years to come. Let's examine why:

Regardless of the failures of the federal government to plan and react (and the federal government has failed), the contigency plans put in place for evacuees before the storm would necessarily disrupt life in Louisiana regardless of the damage from the storm. Shelters often come in the form of school buildings. This is a good idea on its face. After all, they are designed to house hundreds or thousands of children (at least for hours), have kitchens, bathrooms, and often showers. Where this fails is when people are required to stay in the shelters for prolonged periods of time, as they will be now. Schools will be disrupted. According to the New Orleans Times-Picayune, 150,000 school children will be forced to be educated elsewhere. Many schools in the region are already at or beyond capacity. Textbooks do not miraculously appear from nowhere, and neither do classrooms. Unfortunately, I don't really see a solution to this. 150,000 students is a lot of students. It's a lot of families that have to go somewhere. I'm sure that right now education, for a lot of these people, is the last thing on their minds. If they have to wait three months to get their schools back, will they be kept in school for 18 straight months to get back on a normal schedule with other regions?

Now I realize that a lot of people don't sign up for the military because they are worried about all the negatives (namely, death). Right now, the National Guard and Reserves are about as good an option for most as being in the armed forces themselves. Whether this is a matter of this stupid stupid war or not, perhaps it is time to start a National Disaster Reserves. A group of people with the same committment as the Armed Forces Reserves, but who are dedicated to the cleanup and rebuilding after natural and unnatural disasters. And normally, that'd fall under the purview of the National Guard I think, but maybe this is a better way to get people to serve? I know I'd do it.

There's so much more that can be said about Katrina. Maybe later. But this might just be the downfall of our idiot president and his administration, especially if they continue to bungle relief efforts and stories like these continue to come out.

En nominae pasti, et ziti, et spiritu saucy. Ramen.

2005-08-23T00:46:00.000-04:00

Via Discourse.net, I give you the flying spaghetti monster.

Shut up just shut up shut up

2005-08-22T23:13:00.000-04:00

I once told Tweedlegirl that I probably wouldn't be able to cheer my future progeny on in athletic events, piano recitals, and the like. This is a problem I've had since my "youth."

So why does this come up now? Well, the Ellen Degeneres "My life. My Card" American Express commercial was just on. You wouldn't want me in the front row when she, or for that matter, anyone else came on stage. I wouldn't cheer. Rather, I'd be extremely self-conscious and maybe clap. That's just the way I am.

When new members signed into our eating club, the "tradition" is to go about a whoopin and a hollerin. I usually waited towards the back, or was toward the front being silent. Unless the case was that I was drunk. Not that that was ever the case.

When I was on the swim team as a young chap, the team would usually cheer during relays. Except for this young chap. Maybe it's because I don't get excited enough. I have no idea.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you ever have a TV show, you don't want me in your audience.

The Single Life

2005-08-21T22:05:00.000-04:00

No no. Things with Tweedlegirl are fine. What this post is about is living alone in Massachusetts. I don't have (m)any friends up here. I watch a lot of TV. But when I go out, I'm bound to see a lot of funny things. Last week, I saw some breakdancers breaking on bricks. Pretty impressive. Tuesday night I ate dinner at a restaurant alone. I think I even heard someone tell me to enjoy eating alone. I actually had a nice steak and enjoyed my time there, even if I felt a little self-conscious. I always feel slightly bad because if I'm not at the bar, there's at least one extra seat open that could be tipping the waitress. I figure getting to deal with me is nice enough.

I also get to see the funny people. Like the lady who felt she was wronged in her car. She stopped her car, got out, pounded on the hood of the "offender", reached in the driver's side window and threw the driver's glasses across the road. The three guys got out of the car, and she started screaming "This is no joke!" at them. One of them tried to talk her down, but she wouldn't have any of it. She told them to back off, and then punched the guy talking her down. She finally got back in her car (with people now staring and laughing at her) and ran a fucking red light. Where were the Cambridge cops then?

These things that are pleasing you can hurt you somehow

2005-08-21T21:32:00.000-04:00

Kevin Drum says that high oil prices aren't so bad. Now, I think this is pretty shortsighted. While it is true that European countries have dealt well with higher gas prices (the price of gas when I was in London in 2000 was something like 4 pounds per liter), I'd like to know the usage of the mass transit in those areas. Instead of an economy that can easily handle higher gas prices, what we might see is a redistribution of land (not wealth). Think of it this way: someone commuting 30 miles each way to work (assume 1 gallon per trip) be spending $1,440 if gas prices are $3 a gallon, just to get to work (assuming 240 days of work a year). For each dollar increase in gas prices, that's an incremental cost to the american worker of $480. This excludes the incremental costs to consumer goods, most of which travel by truck (interestingly, diesel fuel, which is cheaper to produce than gasoline has gone up in price and is more expensive than regular unleaded). So while gas prices at the pump might not put the ultimate squeeze on the consumer, gas prices might cause a jump in the CPI that could (of course, I am not what you would call an economist of any sort, I'm just saying...).

Raising a nation; razing a home

2005-08-19T12:54:00.000-04:00

Update: So I can't remember how this entry started, and I'm too exhausted by it to go back and read it again. For better background on the whole situation, go to the Wikipedia. It knows the background of the region much better than I. When I finish reading the entries on this topic, I may come back and edit this post.

Update #2: I haven't read or edited any of this post so far. There are parts that I would like to extend a bit more. This is a huge topic, and one that is better wrapped in a multi-volume book than a single blog post. I am sure that there are things in this I don't really agree with either. But they are there because I don't feel like editing this right now.

I haven't said much about this because I don't know that it interests any of my mainly non-existent readers, but I want to talk a little bit about Israel today. I'm going to be taking my friend Mike Dinitz to task for parts of his post, and also weave religion back into the cold war. It should be a fun time for me at least.

First off, let me say that I believe what Israel did was right, if not necessary. For the sake of the country, for the sake of the Jewish people, I think it's right. History will prove whether I am wrong (and I may well be), but if I am wrong, if Ariel Sharon was wrong, Israel would be in the same boat whether they gave Gaza to the Palestinians or kept it for themselves. In 15 years, if terrorist bombings are still the norm in Israel, if people still worry every time they get on a bus in Tel Aviv, then I will be wrong. But if that does happen, if things take a turn for the better, then we can think of the removal of Jewish settlers from Gaza as an act of eminent domain that actually succeeded in making a country safer. In the end, settlements in the Gaza Strip were untenable: for Israel they created too much friction with the Arabs, and with the Arabs they were a massive injustice.

So where has Dinitz gone wrong? First, he says that Americans should support Israel. We do. Support does not mean turning a blind eye, however. You cannot layer injustice upon injustice on a people and expect them to sit idly by and take it. Was the creation of a Jewish state an injustice to the Palestinians? That's an interesting question. The customs of the two groups (the Palestinians and European Jews) were so different that misunderstandings were bound to occur. Integration of two societies is never easy, nor is the integration of a displaced people into another society. And while Israel and other nations were able to make peace over the years, Gaza and the West Bank have remained a thorn in the side of the Palestinians and many outside Arabs. There was supposed to be (per the UN) a Palestinian state alongside Israel, this changed as a result of the 1948 war.

Furthermore, I would like to point out that Israel has not had an easy time keeping a leash on its citizens. There have been multiple "vigilante" style attacks by Israelis. But furthermore, Israelis, except for the past decade or so, haven't had anything to really fight about. They had an army on their side that was more than willing to strike back for terrorist attacks, and had no reason to feel slighted by their government. Vigilante attack, though, were more common in the settlements than elsewhere, I believe. Remember, nearly everyone on Israel's side in the region is under the same flag. The same cannot be said for the Arab/Palestinian side. Hamas, the PLO, and various other groups claim authority. So of course it will be more difficult for them.

Much as I don't believe that Palestinians should be restricted from Israel, I don't know that 10 to 15 years down the line Jews shouldn't be allowed to return to Gaza and make a life for themselves there. I understand, being Jewish by heritage, the desire to keep and protect Judaism and the Jewish people.

In the end, what I'd love to see too, just like Dinitz, is a new, non-secular nation put in place of Israel, including the West Bank and Gaza Strip. Remove the forces of colonialism and wars that put the region in such a state, and make all people equal. Provide protections for all religions. Would this ever work? No. Jews the world over would be against it, Arabs the world over would be against it, and the nation would eventually crumble under the weight of the surrounding Arab nations. This is not a case of "Can't we all just get along?" Religious extremism threatens to wrend the planet in two, just as political extremism threatened to wreak havoc in the Cold War. It is not the political system that matters. The rights of the citizens of any nation are all that matter. When a political system or religious system (and they may well be the same thing: a way to control the masses) interferes with the rights of individuals and threatens the security of the world, we have to give pause.

We must remember that the most radical, the most vocal are usually the ones who are put into positions of power, because they are the ones who seem to care most about obtaining that power. The rest of us paddle along in the pond, not knowing that the dam has broken.

LAMPs and Microsoft

2005-08-17T12:34:00.000-04:00

One of the things you learn in the very infant stages of a computer science degree is that modularity is good. Modularity, you see, let's you use one piece of software over and over and over again in different projects. Instead of having to recreate the wheel, you just use the wheel again. So I was rather surprised to see yesterday that Microsoft was coming out saying that modularity was bad. Actually, I wasn't surprised. [I wouldn't be surprised if Microsoft said that security by obfuscation was good too (well, too late for that)]. You see, Microsoft has been facing a battle against Linux in the web server space for a while now. Linux has the LAMP (Linux-Apache-MySQL-PHP/Perl/Python -- all free) system working for it while Microsoft had... not a lot that could compete with free. So Microsoft decided to come out with something really cheap. Good for them. Then they say, "Our software was built by design to do this one thing, so it must be better!" Which would be true, if it weren't. That's like saying those Allen wrenches you get from IKEA with your furniture are better than a whole toolbox because those Allen wrenches were made for that furniture!

Shades of empty canvas

2005-08-16T22:25:00.000-04:00

They sat on the bench talking to each other as cars whizzed by. In low tones they called me Daedalus. They told me I was king. They sipped more coffee out of their cups as each passerby dropped coins into the cups. I had created a maze to keep myself in, and soon I would send my sun out to fly in the sun and die. Only he would come back from the dead and kill me.

I had been sitting on the bench drawing and writing over the outlines. As they sat down, I moved to the end of the bench. They made me uncomfortable. The sins of our fathers and mothers. My cross to bear.

Brilliant fire of green and purple and blue and red lit the sky as the sun set across the river. I gave them a dollar, stood up, and watched as it floated to the ground.

Ring ring, it's the president.

2005-08-15T14:55:00.000-04:00

I posted this in response to Ogged's query:

Satellite -- DISH or DirecTV. You've got two choices. They compete against cable, but if you are going satellite you've got those two choices. But TV is pretty much TV. There's a basic package, and then you throw everything else on top.

Internet -- Dialup, DSL, or Cable. Other than those 3, you've got business solutions. Again, it's basic services, with other services usually not provided by the company or desired by the average consumer (e.g. static IP, extremely wide bandwidth).

Cell phones -- Multiple vendors selling basically the same product. But heres the difference. There's no "basic" service in cell phones. You pay per minute and it doesn't stay in just one place (like internet (for the most part) and tv). So there are lots of options for consumers and desired by consumers: some only use their phones within a mile of their house, some are business users, some are world travelers, some are teenagers, etc. So it gets difficult for the phone companies to provide everything at a basic cost. If they had a basic service (local calling for $20/month, long distance for $10/month, roaming for $10/month) then it would probably be a lot easier for everyone. But surely not as profitable. Then they could get sued.

Which brings me to a question that came to me after I commented: Why do phone companies charge per minute, especially now? Is it the bandwidth that each call consumes? I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult to find the average amount ($X) paid per cell phone and set $(X+5) as the unlimited access price. Then charge everyone to add-on services: text messaging, video, photo, etc.

How do I convince you it's me I don't like?

2005-08-11T18:35:00.000-04:00

I'm listening to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot right now and my hands are freezing.

For some reason, I feel uncomfortable. I know why, but I cannot remember why. Let me explain: I drive four hours each way two to three times a month during the school year to see the one that I love. Last year, I listened to this CD a lot on the drive. Just on repeat. I know all the words, all the pauses, all the double-kick drum parts. So this CD reminds me of the drive. I cannot remember why it makes me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it is driving on the Henry Hudson Pkwy. Maybe it's I-684. I feel so alien on those roads. I drive them enough to have them fairly well memorized, but NYC and NY state are so foreign to me, even though I spent a good amount of time in them growing up. Or maybe it's I-90 and I-84. But the memory that pops up and dissolves doesn't have any snow in it, and that's the only time those roads really give me a scare. Maybe it's Connecticut, but I don't think so. It's a fairly smooth ride there, except at night in the construction zones. But that's not really any different than anywhere. So I'm fairly certain it's New York. And the CD. And for some reason, that combination tightens my stomach, makes my throat dry, and freezes my hands.

Am I too far gone to get back on?

2005-08-11T12:06:00.000-04:00

In the office park where I work, I sometimes pass people lawn bowling (or bocci-ing or whatever). As ts1 said: "Cool." Indeed. I give them every bit of credit for going outside and playing a nice competitive game.

However, I do question the need to be so competitive as to measure the distance from the marker with a measuring tape. Last time I checked, feet work well enough.

She will keep me warm

2005-08-10T23:22:00.000-04:00

"Do you miss it?"
"Sometimes. I miss being pretty."
"But you are."
"But I don't feel as pretty anymore."
"I don't understand."
She combed the hair out of her eyes. Her great hair from her beautiful blue eyes. "You used to be an excellent swimmer, right?"
I shifted uncomfortably. I knew what this was. Once again, the situation was getting turned around on me. I wouldn't be able to get back to level playing ground on this one. I hate losing conversations. Even to her. "Yeah. I was pretty good." This was an understatement. I was damn good. Swam in college. Couldn't go anywhere from there, but I was good. Good enough.
"So you ever feel like you can't swim well anymore?" There it was.
"Yeah, but it's not because I'm not competing anymore. It's because I don't train anymore." Arguing from the disadvantage again. All I wanted to do was hold up a picture of her before and one of her now, and show her how she wasn't any less beautiful. But lacking that evidence, arguing from a position where everything was subjective... this was why I was a failure as a lawyer. This was why I had the scars. Take on a difficult proposition from a position of weakness, you're bound to get run over. "Swimming was something I could measure. I could take a clock and see how fast I was. I know how far I've fallen."
"But you compare yourself to other people to, right?"
"I used to. But I always compare myself to what I used to be."
"So do I."
"To what? A picture? A memory?"
"To how I felt. I feel beautiful when I'm with you. I felt beautiful back then. But when you're not around, which is all too common, I don't feel pretty." Shit. Now she was getting personal. She doesn't like losing to me, either.
"I don't feel fast when I'm not in the pool, which is far too often too." Humor doesn't work too often for me. All I wanted was to diffuse the situation. But agreeing to disagree? Out of the question.
"Look. You asked me a question. I answered it. You told me I was being crazy and I'm not. That's how I feel. Maybe you don't think that's how it should be, but that's how it is."

'Cause despertate times called for desparate measures

2005-08-10T23:00:00.000-04:00

Or, apparently, half-witted administrators called for idiotic measures.

So, yes, technically what the kids did was illegal. But the school should be firing the administrators of the plan as well. Why? Because they fucked up. If they are tenured, let's demote them. Now, I am not a lawyer (but I did stay at a holiday inn express last night (R)), but I wonder if any of the children signed any contract detailing the use. Or if the parents did. Should we reward them for being creative? No. What they did was wrong. But charging them with a crime? What, does the school want to be rewarded for being creative? If the school board really wants to be creative, then why not charge every student, as they were using these systems for work and must have edited the data on them.

What I'm really getting at is a failure of this school system to carry out punishments on their own. What happened to detention? What about suspension? That's just really lazy of the school system.

leaving our overland parachute behind...

2005-08-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

So maybe my once and future plan to watch 100 hours of movies in a row isn't such a good idea.

I do have to say, I've done 72 hours of studying before. I didn't collapse and die, but I did hallucinate.

Ed: 72 hours straight of studying. For those who know me, however, they wouldn't be hard-pressed to assume that I had only studied for 72 hours in my whole life.

That what makes us happy, of which we seem never full

2005-08-09T00:04:00.000-04:00

I confess that when I hear about the success of other people I get jealous and motivated. And also somewhat mad at myself.

I hate it, but I can't help it.

KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN

2005-08-07T22:57:00.000-04:00

So the dreams continue. The other night, as I was falling asleep, I woke with a start. I was supposed to be wearing my carbon dioxide detector! But I couldn't find it. My roommate would be pissed. I looked around the room, but couldn't find it. Eventually I got back in bed, assuming that I would just have to deal with it. Of course, it was all completely bullshit. But I'm really weirded out by all of this.

The radical priest came to give me relief...

2005-08-03T14:55:00.000-04:00

We might have to create marijuana powered air conditioners for SUVs. That's the only thing that might stop road rage.

You may say... "Whaaa?" But I have two, nay, three related stories. The first is personal, the second less so, and the third even less than the second but more harrowing than the others combined.

Story the first: I'm finishing my two mile run home yesterday (running on the sidewalk). I have, perhaps, another quarter of a mile to go. A black SUV pulls out of sidestreet to make a turn onto the major street I am running alongside. I attempt to make eye contact with the driver or passenger, as is wise to do. I cannot tell if they've seen me, so I cut to run behind them as they see me and finally stop. The passenger (male) growls: "Smart move." As I pass around the rear of the SUV, the driver (female) maliciously yells: "I would (should? could?) have run you over." I looked back at her, but stayed silent and continued running. After all, I'm not one to get into verbal arguments with strangers. As I reached the last couple of blocks, I passed a family on the sidewalk. A small girl yelled "Keep it up! It's good for your heart!" So my faith in humanity was redeemed.

Story the second: The Fat Cyclist's tale of an SUV.

Story the third: Sad.

Today I'm going for a four mile run because my legs feel a bit fresher. But I will make every attempt possible to avoid crazy people in SUVs.

As usual, you'll get your way

2005-08-01T11:22:00.000-04:00

I'm finishing up Jared Diamond's collapse right now. Two chapters to go. Yes, it's been hard slogging, but it's been good to read a thick, somewhat intellectual book.

The first thought that came to mind, both from this book, the movie The Saint, and the death of the Sudanese VP, is how politics is not about the people but the consolidation of power. Are we better off in a democracy where most of the politicians are crooked? Or communism where they are crooked? Do we kid ourselves in believing that the good of society and all of the freedoms granted will be protected by politicians, and if they aren't, bad things will happen to them? Are we deluding ourselves that a democracy is better in each case than every form of government? Do the American people have enough say under this government?

How does this tie in with Garang? It doesn't really, except for the fact that the populace is at the same time both too ill-informed and too removed to make the decisions, yet the decisions of government are often not in line with a) what is good for society, and b) what society would do. Do not mistake this as me saying that politicians are more culpable for societies ills. They may be, but I'm not going there right now. What I am saying is that we sometimes have this ill-concieved notion that politicians aren't self-serving, aren't like us and that they're working for the greater good, whatever that is.

My second thought came to me as part of a dream last night. I was skiing with tweedlebrother, and we stumbled on what we thought was a cave of an ice age man. IT turns out, after digging, that it was Hemingway's fallout shelter. But that's unimportant, save that it led me to this: "Under what circumstances could we now, knowing the damage they do to the Earth, justify using nuclear weapons. Mutually assured destruction? Great, but what for? For an ideology? Is your life worth less than your ideology? What of those of your neighbors, and their neighbors? Were we willing to sacrifice them in the Cold War to prevent another country from going Communist? If so, how fucking ridiculous is that? And yes, I understand that oppression sucks, but at some point we have to take our thumbs out of our collective asses and say that there are better ways (time and human sacrifice [not the Aztec kind]) than destroying the world so that communism doesn't spread. Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater. But how does this relate to today? To put it simply, I think that there should be a moratorium on nuclear weapons. Easier said than done, but someone has to say it to do it.

Over there...

2005-07-27T23:00:00.000-04:00

Possibly the most riveting hour of TV. Or it would have been, if it hadn't been so disturbingly suspenseful that I had to change the channel every few minutes just to breath. If you make everyone watch this, wars might be a lot less common.

The Lessons of Our Mothers

2005-07-27T21:14:00.000-04:00

My mom said, "Don't run at night. I've heard it's not safe around there." I should have listened, although I think the events of tonight were not what she was thinking of.

It's raining, and I was in a funky mood. I got home, and it was 90 degrees in my room. So yeah, I decided to go for a run. Grabbed my keys, my heart rate monitor, and started out. I decided I would do foot strike drills (20 seconds of rather fast turnover). First thing I noticed was that my usual route was blocked off for construction. Was I pissed? You bet. But I had to pick a course. I doubled back, and decided to run west instead of east, and then get home a different way. It would increase the distance of the run, but that's fine by me. What wasn't fine was twisting my ankle (and possibly my knee). At that point, I turned around and started to walk the three-quarter miles back to my house. Eventually ran 3 tenths of a mile to finish it off, but I'm pissed. I hope it's not anything worse than a turned ankle. I was doing so well.

Jesus is filling out paperwork at the facility on East 12th Street

2005-07-26T17:36:00.000-04:00

When I was a little kid, I remember one passover in particular. Two actually. But the one that sticks out (because I was admonished) was the one in which I punched my cousin in the nuts.

His wife just had their second child.

I'm glad to know that my punch did not sterilize my cousin. This is unsurprising, as I didn't really throw the whole weight of my eight year old body behind it.

He's a good father, and his kids are really cute.

The center of the earth is the end of the world

2005-07-26T17:05:00.000-04:00

I've been running quite a bit lately. At first, I got massive blisters on the arches of my feet. Rather painful too. This harkened back to a day just over a year and a half ago when I sprained my foot (during a half-marathon) because I wanted to avoid the painful blister on the inside of my foot. The blisters have callused now, and I've been able to progress rather well over the past two weeks (if that long).

Anyhow, here's the goal. In late November, there is a half-marathon. My goal is to run 8-minute miles for the whole of it, and to finish in 1:45. I don't think that's asking much.

Here are the workouts for the past few days:

Friday: Quick 2 mile run.
Saturday: 4 mile run in 32:30.
Sunday: 4.75 mile run in 38:02.
Monday: 2.5 mile run in 17:30. Focus on foot-strikes (30 strikes with right foot over 20 seconds) during the run.
Today: 4 mile run in 32:20. Average hr of 161.

The goal for this weekend is a 6 mile run. At least one. I'm also tempted to let myself take a rest day, but that seems really weak.

Shhhh...

2005-07-25T13:18:00.000-04:00

I like raspberries. I didn't think I did, but I do. I just hate the texture.

On Lance...

2005-07-24T22:24:00.000-04:00

If you can't be inspired by Lance Armstrong, you're probably dead.

Here's a guy who was almost dead, comes back and wins 7 straight Tours de France. But more than that, he has given hope to so many cancer survivors. It makes anything a normal human being can do seem small, but at the same time so important. Running for a cure? A great step for someone who has never run before, and a huge help for everyone suffering from cancer. More than any other athlete, Lance has attached himself to a cause and brough such great visibility to it that I feel it is not too far-fetched to say that he has done more for those suffering through cancer than the pharmaceuticals. This is, of course, not true, but it is feasible. He has given the cancer patient hope. His attachment is not like that of Bono. His is that much more personal.

I think the whole doping allegation thing is bullshit. I don't think he'd put his legacy at risk, nor everything that he has done for cancer patients. He's said he hasn't, and until there is hard evidence that he has doped, I'm taking him at his word.

Said Lance:
"To the cynics and sceptics, I say I am sorry that they can't live a dream, or believe in miracles, as there are no secrets to my success. Vive le Tour."

Thanks Lance.

Somebody's gonna be my bitch today...

2005-07-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

Caution NSFW (not safe for work). Actually, it's rather work safe, but as it's a playboy article, you may be better off not reading it at work.

Go read this. If you only have time to read one page, read page 4.

Roe Roe Roe Your Boat

2005-07-19T22:31:00.000-04:00

For those who think that Roe v. Wade stands on its own in a vacuum of legal opinion, you should think again. If you enjoy the privacy of marriage, you should remember that it is this privacy that in the first place let Roe become a legal question before the Supreme Court in the first place. If you think that abstinance only education is great, you're in luck. Years before Roe v. Wade, Connecticut tried to ban the sale of contraceptives. The Court overturned the law, setting forth the freedom of privacy. So if the assholes turn over Roe, does that mean we have to go to Canada to get our vicodin, marijuana, and condoms?

(Du)M(b)assachussets

2005-07-19T16:09:00.000-04:00

So, Massachusetts and I got off on the wrong foot. I got pulled over for going through a yellow light in Cambridge (I think the Cambridge police are more worried about minor traffic violations than actual crime). So that was that. I challenged, got $50 taken off of my ticket, but still got the points against my insurance.

But that's not the point of this post. Massachusettsians complain that businesses are leaving the area, that students are leaving the area, etc. I've a simple idea to make more people not actively avoid Massachusetts like the plague. I recently transferred my Florida driver's license to a Massachusetts driver's license. Now, the drivers in Massachusetts are no better than those I've seen in Florida, New Jersey (ok, a little better), or New York (again, a little better). But to exchange driver's licenses, it was $90. That's right. $90. I pay 5.3% state income tax, and I have to pay $90 for a license from a state where driver's are just as good if not better than here? Now imagine you're a family of 5 with 3 drivers. That's $270 just to move into the state. Oh, and you have to do it, otherwise they won't renew your state-regulated car insurance (which, again, you must have). Yes, I understand that the taxes I pay create good things (good education, the Mass Pike (I subsidize you with $5 a day), low crime, anti-gun laws), but let's not forget that it finances complete fiscal fuckups like the Big Dig. In closing, if a state is going to tax you for almost everything, it's goal should be to spend that money wisely and responsibly. How about a big dig for bike lanes, so that bicyclists don't get run over by the perpetually awful Mass drivers.

The height of anti-intellectualism

2005-07-18T22:17:00.000-04:00

So, I really don't like ESPN much any more (I think they've tried to go to hip hop uberculture; for an example, just listen to Stuart Scott, for thirty seconds). But this morning, I realized how far the insidious anti-intellectual feeling has penetrated popular culture. Stuart Scott called a play "stupid good." What the fuck is that shit? Stupid good? Is that the opposite of smart bad? "Hey dude, that error was smart bad! It's a good thing your pitching was stupid good all night!" I think at some point there will be a counter-culture revolution where a texas leaguer won't be called "sick", it'll be called a texas leaguer.

I also wouldn't mind seeing the end of the sideline reporter. They don't really add anything to the game. "The XYZ manager thinks XYZ is the best team in the league right now." Well no shit! That's some stupid good reporting.

It's the education, stupid...

2005-07-17T10:54:00.000-04:00

Kid's let down by their schools even though they are smarter than they were (maybe).

I don't know that I've ever said that kids today are less smart (and if I have, feel free to correct me --> I can eat my words pretty well...). I think they do things that might be less informed than others, but in general, I can't imagine they'd be dumber. But they do feel let down by the school system. I'm conflicted about this: the purpose of the school system is to educate everyone to a minimum level, but I'm concerned that this might be a limiting factor. This is just one way the school system is broken.

Don't you dare put me on HRSA...

2005-07-15T16:05:00.000-04:00

There are some things, as a fully developed 23 year old (mentally, and perhaps, physically, but probably not emotionally) that are unfathomable to me. For instance, pyschological disorders. These are things that, at least in the movies, are idealized. We read books, and we attempt to imagine what it is like. We hear a lecture about a disorder, and we say, "We can relate." In truth, we can't. Imagine necessarily needing to take drugs to function as a "normal" human being.

I remember hearing a rather famous person (whose name, at this time, I cannot recall) saying that we should not be giving ritalin to children with ADD because it may stifle their creativity. In theory, that's great, and I agree. But we cannot say don't give drugs to kids with ADD, because ADD is not like having pneumonia, or a cold. It is easier to imagine it as a snowstorm. Sometimes, a snowstorm is just a few flurries. Annoying or pretty depending on the time of year. But other times, the snow falls for days on end. Does this mean we should cancel school and close the roads no matter what? Of course not. We treat the problem on an individual basis, depending on the severity. I have often half-seriously said that I have ADD. Would I ever think of medicating myself? No, I merely think I need to keep myself more busy and stop allowing myself to get bored. But what if I swung on wild hey look a cat I like coffee but it makes my stomach the light is blinking! Could you really function as a human being if that was what everything was like? I cannot fathom it. To jump from thought to thought as though your mind were controlled by 50 million people each taking a turn to chose a sentence to think about... my life, and my thoughts, are somehow ordered, and I like that. I cannot imagine going to school and not being able to learn, even if I wanted to, because I could not focus my mind. I cannot fathom not being able to function normally. Can you?

[Next unimaginable topic? Ideas?]

A song I can't get off my mind

2005-07-11T15:16:00.000-04:00

"I've got glass in my hair and pockets and my ear hurts."

I was going to turn that into a story, but I wasn't there and can't possibly now the pain and confusion, so I'm not even going to try.

In the end, it's the thought that counts

2005-07-10T22:33:00.000-04:00

I remember in 4th grade a teacher gave me a WWF pencil. At the time, I felt helpless. Not for myself, but for the teacher. To me, the pencil was a pencil, a gift given to us as... what? A prive for taking the time after school to do math competitions? All that the teacher could afford? I don't know. I could never ask. Not then, not now. But I can understand, at least on a basic internal level, what that means now. The fact that I still remember that pencil, even now, shows how much that little thought meant to that teacher.

Give me a quiet lie

2005-07-01T10:19:00.000-04:00

Most people have problems with CNN for their WWWA (where all the white women at) coverage. I have a problem with something similar, but it hits closer to home. Tom Cruise, the fucktard we all know and used to think was the all-American boy, has made disparagin comments about psychiatry in the past couple of weeks. As a scientologist (which is as made up a religion as all the rest), he doesn't believe in psychiatry or chemical imbalances. I assume he doesn't believe in science either, because psychiatry (which is really psychology with a medical degree) is a science. IANAP (I am not a psychologist), but tweedlegirl is. I've seen the work she does. I've heard stories about psychotics she's met. It's real. The APA says it's real. And yet CNN keeps coming back and repeating what Cruise says, and then having a short little paragraph saying the APA disagrees.

I suppose this is where CNN and the rest of the news organizations right now are failing masterfully. If you are famous or powerful and say something first, no matter what you say, CNN will always give what you say more press than any rebuttal. We saw it with the Swift Boat Veterans for Lying, and now we see it with Tom Cruise. I know it's bad to wish anything on anyone, but I hope Tom Cruise has to deal with depression in some way. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Does self-abuse extend my hospital stay?

2005-06-29T14:37:00.000-04:00

Many things to write about. This will be the first.

I've spoken about how my boss tells us all to come to him with solutions, not problems. Well, I often fear I do too much of the latter on here. So, I pose this problem:

"The education system in the U.S. is broken. It needs to be fixed."

This problem can be broken down into various subproblems:

1. We need better teachers.
2. We need parents to get involved more.
3. We need students to care about their education.
4. We need to fund schools better.
5. We need to teach children the right things.
etc.

I assume that #4 is a flawed problem. Why? Because throwing more money at the education system, until it is fixed, is like using gum to hold up an old bridge. Sure, it keeps the bridge in working condition, but other cracks will appear, and you'll spend your whole life fixing the bridge. And yes, I understand that we can't not fund schools better. After all, it is the future that we are dealing with. So #4 is a wash. We must fund schools better, but this alone won't solve the problem.

#1 is being done by Teach For America. They are doing a great job. But I question how much they can do in the current system. This does not mean that this is a problem. TFA has come up with a great solution to one part of the problem. Better teachers may help the education system now and in the long run, but can we assume that there will always be great teachers? I say #1 is covered by TFA, but we could use more.

#5 I don't see any need to make religion a mandatory course in public schools. That being said, I think it would help to the nth degree if we did teach children about the various religions and sects, so that when they grow up they can make informed conversation with their friends about their religions. This education can be done without either dismissing or promoting religion. If you make kids read the bible, allow them to opt out, but remember to tell them how much sex they are missing out on (in the readings). Science courses, however, should teach science. Religion is not science. Religion is/was a way for humans to explain all those things they could explain (Don't eat pork because it's unclean provided the excuse for what we now know as trichinosis). See? Science was able to explain that one. You don't have to tell kids not to believe that eating pork is wrong, you just have to explain the science behind it. Look, all the scientific evidence points towards evolution. Therefore, it should be taught in science classes. Kids with religious convictions might not like it, but they shouldn't be giving in to Satan's temptations, now should they?

So that leaves the children and the parents. Tweedlemommy brought this up last week. I've asked her to send an email recounting her story. When I get it, I will post it. But I think it would be a great step forward to get those kids to school who cannot attend because their parents don't care. If that requires taking children from their parents if the parents don't care about the children's education, I'm fine with that. If that means we start creating groups that go around and make sure kids get to school, I'm fine with that. But if we are going to educate everyone, let's make sure we give everyone at least the chance to get educated.

Boo fucking hoo.

2005-06-23T09:11:00.000-04:00

You know what Oprah? Get a fucking life. They didn't let you into their store after it closed? That's the way it works for normal people. How about "Crash, Celebrity Life," a show where you talk about how much normal people's lives inconvenience your own? Would it be too much to ask that you follow the rules as well? Maybe it was racist, I don't know. But you're Forbes' #1 Power Celeb. I don't think many people are going to discriminate agaist you. Send a white guy, a black guy, a hispanic guy, etc., a white girl, a black girl, etc. and then you can say whether it's racist or that it's just that the STORE WAS FUCKING CLOSED.

Big Time!

2005-06-20T00:46:00.000-04:00

It appears that TS1 has hit the big time. Craig of Craigslist responded to this post regarding her difficulty finding an apartment in New York.

Yo, Craig, here's an idea. Bait-n-switch? Ban the IP for a week.

When you feel the world is crashing all around your feet

2005-06-20T00:17:00.000-04:00

I said yesterday that sometimes we need to look inside ourselves to recognize that we've fucked up, and to take responsibility to do so. But should we be arrogant enough to believe that a) our way is the only way and b) we can look inside ourselves for the answers and regain our status as the best? If you answered no to either of those, you are probably incredibly perplexed about how the U.S. is going about about trying to fix the education system (if indeed we are trying to fix it). My boss always tell me to come to him with solutions, not problems. Well here's the problem: the best minds aren't going into educational policy. Teach for America, as good as it is, isn't doing anything to change the educational policy of the U.S. It's putting good teachers into (what I see as) a flawed system. I think we need to start sending teachers abroad to learn about how other societies educate their children, and bringing that knowledge back into the US. Do it either as part of their college education, or immediately after. Teach for America by teaching abroad.

All the finest things are leaving you hollow

2005-06-18T16:53:00.000-04:00

"Be competent in what you do."

That's what Jon Stewart told the Princeton class of 2004 at our class day. I'm assuming he said the same thing to William and Mary. I think it's bad advice, or rather, advice that's a good beginning, but doesn't go nearly far enough. Dan and I were discussing this the other day. See, Dan works somewhere where everyone strives to be competent, and it appears that many of them fail to even be that. Of course, those people were never told by Jon Stewart that they needed to be competent.

Competency, I think, is one of the things that makes America that which it is. Our standards for competency? Low, and getting lower all the time. We are a nation that refuses to look inwards at our own problems, and that trickles down to many of us. You got a bad grade? It was that asshole professor. Enough people complain, and then the professor is told he needs to give higher grades to everyone, cause otherwise, it'll look bad for the school district. I think that it is just possible that by requiring high schools to educate everyone to a certain standard level, we are teaching the smartest high schoolers in the U.S. that mediocrity (competency) is what we should strive for. I see three things that need to start to change with education:

1. Tell kids early on that life isn't fair. You'll screw up, you'll get a bad grade or two despite your best efforts. Take responsibility for it. Perhaps, just perhaps, physics isn't your specialty, but that English class that you really like and are doing well in, maybe that's it. Or maybe physics is a challenge for you, and you'll see if you can rise to that challenge.

And that kid who stole your milk money in first grade? He may never get his comeuppance. So let it go. It is nowhere near the most embarrassing thing in your life (your first go at sex probably will be, though). You'll have bigger fish to fry.

2. Everyone involved in a students education should strive for excellency. Teachers, parents, guidance counselors, TA's, and the student itself. The best teachers I have were the one's who really loved what they did, and strove to be good at it. The parents are the biggest constant, so they should do the most work. Look, if you want your kid to succeed, encourage them. But don't force anything down their throat. They may grow up to resent you. And if you don't want your kids to be successful, or if you just don't care, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU A PARENT?

Ave gezunt...

2005-06-16T22:30:00.000-04:00

Do they still do the Presidential Fitness challenge in elementary schools? If not, why not? Is it a risk of lawsuits? A lack of funds? Too many fat kids? If it's the latter, we're not really helping ourselves, are we?

As a wee boy, I remember not being very good at the presidential challenge. I wasn't incredibly fast, and though I've the good fortune to be at least decent in nearly every sport I've seriously tried, I've never had a great deal of upper body strength. Tweedlegirl would say that I'm lazy and I should just lift and work on it. She's probably right. But I'm more for reducing the number of fat kids by one, than increasing the number of bicep building preening prima donnas. But that's just me.

Filling in for Washer Dryer this week: Tweedledopey

2005-06-06T12:36:00.000-04:00

WD usually does a good job berating Randy Cohen (the "ethicist"). I contend that these "question marks" denote that he is an ethicist of questionable correctness.

This weeks column deals with: receipts, kindness, and freebies.

With regards to receipts and "receipts":

I think Randy hits the nail pretty well here, but bends it all crooked like when he says:

The car-rental company is behaving reasonably -- indeed, generously. Why should it pay your total car expenses? Why not cover just what you spent in excess of a normal rental fee? You can't blame the company for wanting proof of your out-of-pocket expenses. Otherwise, people even more imaginative than you could claim that they had spent thousands of dollars hiring bearers to carry them around in sedan chairs. It would be a shame to undermine a company's trust by presenting it with fraudulent documents.

The rental company should pay for the total amount of the rental. Reason number one: the couple was told that a car was not available at the location at which the reservation was made. This could be construed as a great inconvenience. Reason number two: the couple no longer had a car at their immediate disposal. This could tend to through schedules off. If this were an airline, the couple would have received a free flight, and been put on the next flight. As the rental agency did not have a "next flight" available, the taxi was the next best thing, and instead of getting a free flight, the couple would get reimbursed for expenses accrued.

Ethical question #2 related the story of a man who broke of a relationship with a girl after she had bought an airline ticket to visit him. Randy says no one ever regrets being to kind in affairs of the heart. Um... Randy? I do. Not in this one. But in the past. In fact, I bet the ex-girlfriend in this case probably regrets being so kind to the guy (unless, in fact, there was a legitimate reason for breaking up with her, like her cheating on him). In that case, I bet the guy would regret paying for the ticket.

Ethical question #3. Freebies. Randy thinks you should ask the bartender if the owner says it's ok to give someone a drink on the house. Because, you know, it's your ass on the line if the owner gets mad at the bartender for doing so. So next time you are at the bank, and they offer you $1 million, make sure you ask the manager if it's ok before you shove the pistol back in your pants. Same goes for Mercedes dealerships, but not, apparently, for the delis.

On growing up American...

2005-05-31T21:23:00.000-04:00

I asked my mom last week whether she believed that parents were the problem with America. She criticized me for blaming parents for everything. What I really meant was whether parents were the problem with American schools. She agreed. But that's not the point of this.

I'm not an expert in sociology or education. In the 1950's and early 60's, it seems as though national pride and patriotism were riding at a high, or so it seems looking back on that time. Sure, there were fuckups (Bay of Pigs, atomic spy rings, and so forth), but there was a common enemy throughout the nation, and that "enemy" was in fact driving us to national excellence. If you wanted children to succeed, all you would have to do was tell them that it was a competition against the Soviets. The nation was challenged to succeed by its leaders.

Now, there is no common nation-state as an enemy. We "won" the cold war, but, as has been said everywhere else, the loss of a common enemy has really hurt the country. Which is rather ironic, as we were all sure that the fall of the Soviet Union would be the start of world peace and prosperity. Oops. Well, now we have our schools, most of which are failing the children miserably. Underfunded, underenjoyed, underperforming. I've discussed the underfunded part before, but I wanted to think about how to make schools perform better. First, get rid of the tests. Teach kids how to read. Encourage colleges to produce teachers. Expand Teach for America. Anyhow, more thoughts later. I suppose the big question is: "What's changed in education since 1950, 1960, 1970, and what can we do about it?

In which the author pleads the case for payment...

2005-05-22T20:54:00.000-04:00

As Tweedlegirl probably noticed last year, and as my family probably has noticed, I work much better and more focused when I am working for someone than when I am working for myself. For instance, my thesis. By all accounts, a disaster. I worked hard on it, yes, but it was too little too late. Also, the amount of oversight was probably what you would call absolutely nil. At the same time, I was working on a research project for a professor. The amount of work I did on that? Tre-frickin-mendous. Probably worked more hours on that than I actually billed. I even enjoyed it.

Another explanation? I was working on something that already had quite a bit of work done on it. Maybe I don't like starting things from scratch, or on anything where theres no guidance. Or maybe I just work harder when there is a direct benefit. I have a feeling that's not the case. I work just as hard for stuff my friends ask me to help out on as I do for work. I like being responsible for helping others, but not so much for helping myself.

Tipping and Toppling

2005-05-21T22:55:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine sent me to this consulting group's website today.

My gut reaction? I wanted to vomit. My stomach tightened, my throat got dry, I think I even tasted bile. The idea is that someone pays $2000 or $3000 to these guys so that they can critique their applications to the top schools. The big problem? This harkens back to the early 1900's (and what its like today). Who is going to pay $3000? The same people who get their kids into the top preschools. The people who work at Morgan Stanley, Goldman Sachs, McKinsey, Skadden Arps. The people who don't spend enough time with their kids to find out what they really want, but are willing to spend as much money so that their kids can be what they want. Plus, this says nothing that your kid will be successful, only that they will have someone who worked really hard and was smart read their college application.

This post was supposed to be about balance. I had the honor of sitting through a Jack Welch speech the other day, and while I disagree with him on many things, I do agree with him on one thing: balance. For each person, it's different. For me, balance could be working hard, playing golf, and being with Tweedlegirl as much as possible. She's first, golf is second-ish, and work shares second with golf. For someone else, recreation could be a distant second, work a first, and the significant other an even more distant third. Is their a better balance? I'd say yes, but that it depends on each situation.

Sleep in Perfect Blue Buildings

2005-05-20T21:20:00.000-04:00

I've posted before about depression and art. But what of depression and living? For instance, over the past couple of days I've noticed how not depressed I've been of late. I have a great girl, a great job, my golf game is better than it's been in a long time, and things are going well overall. But still... still... sometimes it seems a part of me is missing. Not that I used to be depressed depressed (well sometimes, I suppose). Was it because I wanted people to feel sorry for me? I have no idea. Do I want to go back there? I don't know. Usually the depression was precipitated by some event. I don't want any of those events to occur right now. It's inevitable that some event at some point will set me back into a depressive state. But the other night I woke up in a cold sweat (ed.: corrected) thinking thoughts about a certain event that would set me back. These thoughts are incredibly thorough: the event is incredibly detailed, sometimes involves me directly, and extends into the future. Anyhow, this post, like every other post I've written, has lost its steam (as has by train of thought choo chooooooooo). Just noticing that some people can seem a little unhappy because they are happy. Weird, huh?

UPDATE: Thinking more about this, I remember wondering why I couldn't be happy all the time, and lamenting the fact that other people could while I couldn't. Now, when I'm happy all the time, I lament the fact that I'm happy all the time. That's funny.

Hill of shadows

2005-05-17T21:20:00.000-04:00

As you leave town, you descend into the arms of the trees below. From the top of the hill, it looks like a valley of red-yellow-green clouds. It's downhill all the way, or at least that's how it feels. Two different sea-levels, both at the same altitude but one downhill of the other. Downhill to see your angel. Keep driving down.

The return is filled with dark. Fingers reach down from heaven. Dark fingers reach down into the lighter darkness of night. A million drops of sadness fall as you climb upwards back into the real world. You kneel in front of the alter and place your hands down in front of you. A heavy weight holds you down as you try to rise. You shut your eyes and pray to roll down hill.

FEAR ME!!

2005-05-12T22:53:00.000-04:00

Listening to NPR on the way home, there was some talk about the US, John Bolton (the president's pick for UN ambassador), and the place of the US in the world.

WE'RE A FUCKING SUPERPOWER. YOU WILL DO WHAT WE WANT. WHEN WE SAY JUMP, YOU WILL JUMP. YOU WILL NOT ASK HOW HIGH. YOU WILL JUMP AS HIGH AS YOU CAN, AND WHEN THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU WILL KNEEL, PROSTRATE BEFORE US, AND APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR SHORTCOMINGS.

But what is a superpower? According to The American Heritage Dictionary, a superpower is "A powerful and influential nation, especially a nuclear power that dominates its allies or client states in an international power bloc." Let's translate this into cynical English. A superpower is any nation that has devised the most technological way to kill the most people.

Funnily, or not so much, we think the ones with the most weapons are the ones who should get to decide the policy of the world. Tyranny of the majority and all that. Because God is on our side. It's nationalistic pride like this that got the Nazis into power. Under the current US policy, it would be impossible to charge anyone with war crimes. We haven't accepted the Hague Treaty.

WE'RE SOVEREIGN GODDAMMIT! WE CAN HANDLE OUR OWN. IF THE TIME CAME WHERE WE NEEDED TO CHARGE ONE OF OUR OWN WITH WAR CRIMES, WE'D INVESTIGATE IT TO THE FULLEST. WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' WORLD COMMUNITY! FUCK 'EM. WE GOT NUKES.

So, looking back, do you think the German's understood how far gone their leadership was during World War II? On the surface? Deep down, in those places we never speak about, do we think they knew then? Would we have trusted them to handle their own mess? Yeah, I didn't think so.

We're citizens of the US. At least some of us. However, we all inhabit the same planet. Blah blah blah. It sounds all earthy crunchy. And it's not very winning-oriented. There's a time to say fuck you to your competitors, and there's a time not to. But we're America, and you should fear us. Because we could blow you up. And then blow you up again. And then blow you up another time, just for good measure.

A Blister

2005-05-12T21:28:00.000-04:00

"No one is allowed to be so proud To never reach out when they're giving up"

It's been a while since I've posted. Not for any fault of yours, reader, but for my own shortcomings of the mind, and the world's shortcoming of time. I have taken less than 7 hours of sleep for the last 9 days without any weekends. Right now, my brain is slightly fried. Creativity? Destoried. Lots of repititititition last week, so there isn't all that experience for me to build on. So hopefully I'll get some good thoughts to create this weekend.

Dis-similar

2005-05-06T22:17:00.000-04:00

I'm at Disney right now, and I've realized something shocking. Shocking. Shocking I tell you.

I was in Vegas last year. I found it strangely depressing. Well not so strangely. Between the massive (obese?) scale of the whole thing, and the scores of people literally tied to slot machines.

Disney is Vegas, without the gambling. Instead of slot machines, you get people tied to children.

The Matchbook

2005-05-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

I lit a match. She glowered across the table. The match burnt my finger and I put it out in my water. I was silent. My fault for sure. Headlights and brakelights flickered like flames through the rain stained window as the sun tried to beat its way through the clouds.

"You haven't said a word all dinner. You haven't said anything all day. You haven't said anything all weekend. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I remained silent. I wasn't going to play her mind games. Maybe I was a little drunk. But I hadn't been drunk all weekend. I lit a match, and dropped it in my water. God, the match smelled good. She had smelled good too when I met her. Now, she stank of everything everyone had been telling me. I finally forced words out of my mouth. I forced the conversation. We talked about the weather again. I lit another match. She forced a sad smile. She was dumping me, but I hated myself. I hadn't done anything. Had I? The self-loathing ate at my soul like a parasite. I catalogued the errors. Remember the Iliad? The pages of ships and armor and gruesome ways to die held nothing to the ways in which I measured myself. I lit a match every time I thought of something else. She got up from the table. I lit a match. She came back. I burned my finger. I tried to apologize. I tried to talk. I bit my tongue, lit a match, and put it out in the water. Our meal was supposed to be a welcome relief. The lights from the cars lit through the window like a disco ball reflected and refracted onto the cold bowl of cereal in front of me. The lights passed on. The sun had surely set by now. I reached for another match, but the book was empty so I tossed it away. We finished the rest of our meal in silence.

Days later, after she left and the power came back on, I found the matchbook on the floor under the window. Written in her girlish scrawl were the words "I'm sorry. I still love you."

A rhyming ape...

2005-04-28T20:59:00.000-04:00

Our ~~shithead~~ President: "You don't unwind no child left behind!"

No. Of course you don't. You take it by the hair, pull it, kicking and screaming out of the classroom, down the street and back into the dark hole where it belongs.

There's gotta be a better way to do it. I could give my suggestions, but what does it matter? I'm in no position to do anything.

Monkey see, monk me do.

2005-04-27T21:55:00.000-04:00

I want to live on a castle on a hill. I want to make wines. I want to read books all day, and write books all night. I want to learn how to paint. I want to walk around in my bathrobe all day, and learn interesting things by candle light at night. In short, I want to be a monk in the 1500's, except for all the God and no women thing.

A Rock and Roll Song

2005-04-27T21:22:00.000-04:00

We grind and grind and grind
Our bones turn to chalk
We use them to leave our mark
This giant board of life
We get bored of this life
Lonely and depressed
With so many fears
We slowly erase our lines
Sometimes faster than we know
As memories fade and the books burn

With each writing of history
More gets lost
That which was so common
Becomes a mystery
Because the mystery
Makes us look so much better
As the whole with all its bones
Leaves the smallest mark possible
In permanent marker on the whiteboard

They say God will save us
He has a plan
So they kill for him
They maim for him
They let people starve
Because it's all his plan
They tell us they know now
Exactly how we're supposed to live
Because apparently he left a book
A book filled with his instructions
They say it hasn't been burned
With nothing lost:
A sacred text.

But what if it's been boiled down
And its shell cracked and peeled
And inside all we find is a dead bird
Of an idea that was used
So that way back in time
They could kill for him
They could maim for him
They could let people starve for him
Because it was someone else's plan
Someone who could explain everything
That couldn't be explained then
But...
What if they're wrong?

Delinquent Posterchild

2005-04-27T11:19:00.000-04:00

So... there have been a lot of things I wanted to post about, but I usually think about them in the car on the drive home. And when I get home, I have to cook and stuff, so I never get around to posting them.

When I drive to New Jersey, I acclimate my rage level before I get on the NJ Turnpike. I do this by listening to WABC, the now ultra-conservative talk radio station. The guy on there last friday was discussing how health care was so out of control. They were blaming it on the hospitals and the insurance companies. Because the insurance companies would pay the hospitals whatever they want. So that's fine. Blame it on the doctors. Blame it on the hospitals. Blame it on the insurance companies. But the simple fact remains that many, too many, people are uninsured.

People calling in would say that the health care systems in the UK and Canada were a lot worse. Well sure, for the affluent in America (or, as I heard on NPR last night, the insured class), this may well be true. Of course, in the UK, there are also private doctors. But for the uninsured, I'm not sure that anything can be worse than what is in place now. My friend, the old man golfer, wants to run a non-profit some day. I'm not sure if it's possible, but something like teach for america for doctors (or something like paying off their loans in return for treating patients or something). This is a problem worth fixing.

Sinister Squirrel and All Things Noir

2005-04-25T21:04:00.000-04:00

A squirrel sitting on its back legs looks sinisterly down the hill. Arms crossed in front of his chest, the squirrel surveys his domain for moments, which in a squirrel's life must be hours. The squirrel then bounds down the hill, only to be run over by a bike at the bottom.

Not to get nostalgic about the last ten years before the last ten years have passed, but I think Green Day's American Idiot and Frank Miller's Sin City are two of the most darkly artistic pieces of artwork to come out in a long time. I was listening to American Idiot on my way back from Jersey and for some reason the darkness of that album reminded me of the darkness of Sin City.

You know I'm not mad anymore, at least most of the time

2005-04-24T01:56:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the light posting, but we're in the final weeks of Q4 at work, so naturally I am extremely busy. Not too busy, however, to spend some time with Tweedlegirl. Tweedlegirl breakdances, and her annual show was this weekend. It was incredible, but it takes a toll on her. The group practices 12 hours a day for a whole week, and that leaves little time for work or sleep. So she had to choose one, and she chose work. So she's been fairly exhausted the whole time, but surprisingly, not too irritable. Were I in her shoes, I'd be an unpleasant person to be around.

Going to the breakdancing shows reminded me of being a little kid and wanting to be able to spin on my back like the breakdancers I saw on TV. It's amazing seeing people who can actually do that, and even more amazing to see my girlfriend do that whackiness.

As for now, I'm going to leave the Pope alone. He hasn't done anything as Benedict that can make me say, "Holy shit! This dude is whack!"

Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb...

2005-04-19T20:18:00.000-04:00

According to this poll, CNN.com readers think terrorism is the biggest threat to the Catholic church. Let me repeat that. Terrorism. I'm struck by the utter idiocy of that. Terrorism might be a worldwide threat. This much is true. But a threat to a religion? I think the only terrorist threat to Catholocism could have occurred over the past week, when the whole of the upper echelons of the Church were gathered in one place. Any terrorism probably strengthens the Church, as people become more aware of their own mortality. I'd struggle to say that terrorism is the greatest challenge facing America today. One of the largest challenges, sure, but the greatest? It is, perhaps, the greatest challenge that Israel has to face. But terrorism requires that a massive number of people co-exist in the same place. So yes, there are dangerous times for the Catholic Church. I think, however, that the terrorist threat to the Catholic Church is similar to the terrorist threat for the fans of, say, the Super Bowl. A lot of them congregate in one place once a year, but there are a whole many more who are not there.

Sorry. Something about the poll just struck me as, well, off.

So tell me all your thoughts on god

2005-04-17T03:35:00.000-04:00

From Rabbit, Run:

"I remember he used to grab us by the knee at mealtimes with his brown bony hand and croak, 'Has he made you believe in Hell?'"
Harry laughs; Eccles' imitation is good; being an old man fits him. "Did he? Did you?"
"Yes, I think so. Hell as Jesus described it. As separation from God."
"Well then we're all more or less in it."
"I don't think so. I don't think so at all. I don't think even the blackest atheist has an idea of what real separation will be. Outer darkness. What we live in you might call" -- he looks at Harry and laughs -- "inner darkness."

Hell on earth. Separation from God. I'm not an overly religious person. But something about this passage struck me. Imagine you are completely faithful. Not a person of the cloth, but a person of God. And I'm not sure we even know what that is. But imagine that you are. Now imagine that one day, you realize that your God has forsaken you. Or you have forsaken him. Immediately, you doubt the truths you held so dearly the day before. Your world shatters to a million tiny pieces. Not an "Everything you thought you knew is wrong" situation, but one where the core principles of your life are wrong. That would be the darkest hell. An atheist does not have to worry about this hell, as he doesn't believe it exists. He cannot be separated from God, because he doesn't believe in God. But he can be separated from atheism (a lack of belief that almost fulfills man's need for a God), and would this be the same hell? Outer darkness. When you can't see the world for what it was just a minute ago.

Ultimately, we are all powerless. We can stuggle against it, but ultimately, it just doesn't end up well for us. That is not hell. Hell is something completely different. I don't think any of those who are in that hell are considered sane. I don't imagine anyone separated from their beliefs could be.

In which the author criticizes NBC Golf, again.

2005-04-16T18:53:00.000-04:00

NBC would do a good job to look at CBS's showing of golf on TV, and reassess the whole of their announcing team. It's one thing to say "This putt breaks left to right... oh he missed it, not very bright of him..." (NBC); it's a whole nother to say:

"David, I've been sitting up here all day so I know how this putt breaks, why don't you take a guess."
"Well I think it breaks left-to-right."
"You're wrong, it's straight." Player putts it right to left, and if he had the speed, would have made it. "Well, looks like both of us were wrong. Rare thing for announcers, huh?"

Johnny Miller is no foil for David Feherty. Feherty is funny, knows his shit, and has a cool accent. Miller just knows his shit, but he's a pompous shit, and that makes him quite the annoyance to listen to. On the whole, the CBS team is more laid back and does a better job describing the golf game. Most importantly, they don't have Jimmy Roberts on their team. Hallelujah!

Cereal Killings

2005-04-15T19:38:00.000-04:00

An oldie but goodie... from January.

They found Toucan Sam with his head in a bowl of Total. Time of death must have been hours ago, as Toucan was already soggy. Whoever had done this had been very quiet, as the Gerber Baby was still sleeping in the next room. Lt. Tony the Tiger and Detective Guy Whose Face is on Quaker Oatmeal (hereafter, Quaker Oatmeal Dude) arrived when Toucan's wife, The Trix Rabbit, had come downstairs. What made it worse was that she had been upstairs with her lover, Cap'n Crunch. He was suspect numero uno, and his only alibi was that of his mistress. Quaker Oatmeal Dude took a few liberties while interviewing the Cap'n, and at one point soaked him in milk until he was nothing more than a soggy mess that turned the milk pink and awful tasting. An informant on the street, the Leprechaum, had told Tony the Tiger that he could testify against Cap'n Crunch, in return for his Lucky Charms that Cap'n had taken from him. Perhaps Tony the Tiger had had too much fiber in his morning meal (Special K if you must ask), but something wasn't sitting right with him. The images of Toucan Sam haunted him like Kellogg's decision to get rid of Lego's as promotions for Fruit Loops. There was a noise, a subtle hum, that seemed out of place that morning. Tony the Tiger went back, and Trixi made him a nice Toaster Streudel as a snack. "They're grrrrrrrreat," he said, and then it hit him. The Cheerio's Bee. That explained the large welt on Toucan's forehead, but there wasn't any explanation for how he'd gotten in here. Nor could Tony ask him any questions, as he'd inadvertantly, and involuntarily, squished the poor bastard. Now the pieces were falling into place. It had snowed that morning, so no one paid attention to the white footprints on the ground, but by now they would have melted. Could it be the start of a war? The footprints tasted doughy, as though they hadn't heated up enough. Still good, but a little raw. Just like sex with Trixi, thought Tony. Banishing the thought, he returned to the scene. What else could he remember about the morning. Total, laughter, humming, Sam, Trixi, Quaker Oats, laughter. Laughter. Distinct. Short. It hit him like a poke in the stomach. He knew who had killed Toucan Sam. He had supported the criminal, and liked it. No, it wasn't Trixi, and it wasn't Cap'n Crunch either. This was the work of the Godfather of the Pastry Industry, and he'd be damned if he, Lt. Tony the Tiger, would let him get away with this. He'd be made Chef of Detectives for this. He'd give the bastard a yeast infection he'd never forget. Yes, he thought, the Pillsbury Doubhboy will pay. I will catch him, try him, fry him, and then serve him to the Finnish population as a delicacy that they'll find uniquely American, and yet uniquely Finnish too.

Must. Keep. Eyes. Open.

2005-04-14T23:22:00.001-04:00

This week, I haven't gotten to the office after 8. I haven't left before 7 pm any day. More meetings tomorrow, and then the weekend. So hopefully that explains the lught posting this week. If not, just deal with it.

The tortoise and the hare...

2005-04-11T21:39:00.000-04:00

Or The Intellect and the Bible.

Bitch Phd links to this essay by Dorcasina. While it's an interesting essay on religion, philosophy, women and so on, there's something in it that interests me more; Dorcasina merely touches on the point I will discuss here before moving on to ask how it is any different from any other philosophical thought.

The big big big question is how religion got to this point. Or rather, returned to this point. It is puritanism reborn. Can we trace it back to any single event? Of course not. But that's not to say that religion isn't, hasn't been, a part of public psyche for a long time. After all, it was shocking that Kennedy won the election as a Catholic. And we cry "Separation! What about separation!?" But that's not what separation was meant for. And as much as that sucks, we can't do anything about it. Separation was put into the Bill of Rights to say that everyone is allowed to practice his or her religion without the threat of persecution so long as it does not infringe upon the rights of others. Now I am not exactly in my comfort zone discussing politics and religion here.

A professor once told me that religion and mythology were created to help people to cope with the unexplainable. Lightning stikes your thatched roof and kills your family in the fire? Thor and Zues had it in for you. Your sword broke shortly before you were stabbed? Blame it on Vulcan. Sex is dirty? Blame it on Adam and Eve. Eventually, people began to understand the world a bit better. Lightning was caused by electrical charge differences in the grounds and the cloud, and goes from ground to sky. Swords, when improperly made, become fragile and shatter. Sex? Well, sex was sex and sex was good. Intellectuals began to discount the bible as a literal truth. It's not impossible to reconcile the two. Intellect and religion were not too far apart. (My train of thought has been ruined. Rewinned. Impossible to have a conversation and blog seriously at the same time.) Anyhow. The intellect and religion. The intellect leaped light years ahead of the religious side of the brain. The religious side has no recompense but to fight back, because it cannot outreason the intellect. It cannot out-rationalize the intellect. And it is so firm and inflexible that such a rapid change is like a rubber band between the intellect and the basic feeling that is religion; the rubber band gets strecthed so far that it is impossible for either end to return gently to the middle. Instead, they snap back at each other providing a collision.

As a disclaimer, I am on the side of the intellect here. I am not using religion correctly, and I understand that. What I mean by religion in the way that I use it here is the fundamentalist anti-intellectualism.

And the reason why people treat religion as something more than Kant or Plato or name-your-favorite philosopher, is because religion hits on a much more personal level; indeed, children are brought up on the bible. Religion is difficult to spearate from the known and the learned. On the other hand, few people have Kant drilled into their head every Sunday. Not that it's right. Or wrong.